To quote a line from this Freulein's favorite movie Apocalypse Now, "The horror, the horror". It may seem out of place for a nun who cares for seven children to love such a brutal movie but it's got Martin Sheen in his underpants, a nun has to get her kicks somewhere. But there is a real, valid reason I am quoting Mr. Marlon Brando, and that is because I just heard some very horrible news. I am being replaced.

I know that not everyone is fond of me. I often can be found singing my heart out on Alpine mountain peaks and, oddly enough, some people do not find that charming. I know for a fact that my nun-peers sing songs about how I am a problem that needs solving.What am I, a quadratic equation? Well, I answer to a higher power, not the Nth power. And I have heard you Sister Margaretta, so don't even deny! And P.S. I don't even wear curlers under my wimple. Have you seen this hair? God is lucky I have devoted myself to him after the head of hair he gave me. These baby-fine follicles He bestowed upon me couldn't hold a curl if they had fists.

So here's the thing. You all know how much I love reality TV (yes, we have reality TV in 1930's Salzburg!), but as I just found out on my Salzburgian Olde Timey Internets (and I found out sloooowly because in 1930's Salzburg we only have dial-up), there is a new show devoted to ME. Specifically, finding someone else to do my job. And you know who is running the show? Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. And I say "running" because his body of work reminds me of diarrhea (never-ending, uncomfortable, corny). How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (there's that phrase again! All of you who ask that mean-spirited question can kiss my nun-bum) is a show devoted to finding a new Maria for the revival of the story of my life. But I have news for you! There is no need to "revive" that which is still "alive and kicking" to quote my other favorite thing, Simple Minds. Or is it Simply Red that's my favorite? Which one is the one who sang that song "I'll keep holdin' on"? I like that song the best. One winter when I went to the Matterhorn to go skiing with Mum and Daddy as a wee little Freulein, that song came into my head every time I rode the t-bar up the mountain because if you didn't hold on, you might slide off and end up one dead future-nun.

But seriously, I take offense to this show. I'm right here! Still taking care of the kids, still singing in clothes made of upholstery. It's like being Minnie Driver and hearing the Matt Damon dumped you when he was on Leno right after Good Will Hunting premiered. It's news to me and I would have appreciated some warning. So to you, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, I give your new show NEGATIVE SIX favorite things,

I give Phantom of the Opera TWO favorite things because that chandelier stunt scared me and I like to be spooked,

I give Cats ONE favorite thing because I like animals but hated having "Magical Mr. Mistoffelees" stuck in my head for two weeks,

and I give Starlight Express one giant rollerskate made of poo that I haven't Photoshopped yet.

posted by freuleinmaria @ 7:04 PM Comments: 0

To quote a line from this Freulein's favorite movie Apocalypse Now, "The horror, the horror". It may seem out of place for a nun who cares for seven children to love such a brutal movie but it's got Martin Sheen in his underpants, a nun has to get her kicks somewhere. But there is a real, valid reason I am quoting Mr. Marlon Brando, and that is because I just heard some very horrible news. I am being replaced.

I know that not everyone is fond of me. I often can be found singing my heart out on Alpine mountain peaks and, oddly enough, some people do not find that charming. I know for a fact that my nun-peers sing songs about how I am a problem that needs solving.What am I, a quadratic equation? Well, I answer to a higher power, not the Nth power. And I have heard you Sister Margaretta, so don't even deny! And P.S. I don't even wear curlers under my wimple. Have you seen this hair? God is lucky I have devoted myself to him after the head of hair he gave me. These baby-fine follicles He bestowed upon me couldn't hold a curl if they had fists.

So here's the thing. You all know how much I love reality TV (yes, we have reality TV in 1930's Salzburg!), but as I just found out on my Salzburgian Olde Timey Internets (and I found out sloooowly because in 1930's Salzburg we only have dial-up), there is a new show devoted to ME. Specifically, finding someone else to do my job. And you know who is running the show? Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. And I say "running" because his body of work reminds me of diarrhea (never-ending, uncomfortable, corny). How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (there's that phrase again! All of you who ask that mean-spirited question can kiss my nun-bum) is a show devoted to finding a new Maria for the revival of the story of my life. But I have news for you! There is no need to "revive" that which is still "alive and kicking" to quote my other favorite thing, Simple Minds. Or is it Simply Red that's my favorite? Which one is the one who sang that song "I'll keep holdin' on"? I like that song the best. One winter when I went to the Matterhorn to go skiing with Mum and Daddy as a wee little Freulein, that song came into my head every time I rode the t-bar up the mountain because if you didn't hold on, you might slide off and end up one dead future-nun.

But seriously, I take offense to this show. I'm right here! Still taking care of the kids, still singing in clothes made of upholstery. It's like being Minnie Driver and hearing the Matt Damon dumped you when he was on Leno right after Good Will Hunting premiered. It's news to me and I would have appreciated some warning. So to you, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, I give your new show NEGATIVE SIX favorite things,

I give Phantom of the Opera TWO favorite things because that chandelier stunt scared me and I like to be spooked,

I give Cats ONE favorite thing because I like animals but hated having "Magical Mr. Mistoffelees" stuck in my head for two weeks,

and I give Starlight Express one giant rollerskate made of poo that I haven't Photoshopped yet.

posted by freuleinmaria @ 7:04 PM Comments: 0